Buried Memories
Sometimes in life, everything seems fine on the surface. Things look stable, even good—but inside, there’s something pulling you inward. A void. A place where nothing exists. And that nothingness creates a kind of emptiness that feels impossible to cure. But where does this emptiness come from? Is it loneliness?Is it loss?Or is it everything we’ve buried—memories, pain, moments we never allowed ourselves to feel? I believe emptiness can come from anything. I felt it when I lost my mother—because suddenly, there was no one to hold me up, no one to support me. I felt empty because I was alone. And over time, I learned how to live with that loneliness. But I also buried a lot. Major parts of my life, pushed deep into my mind. Then, at 29, something shifted. I didn’t feel safe—neither at home nor at work. I had nowhere to go. And that’s when everything I had buried came back. It all resurfaced at once, looping in my mind. I tried to suppress it again, but this time it was too much. New pain kept adding to the old. And then—everything collapsed into emptiness. No hope. No feeling. Just nothing. I’m not completely “fine”…
The Right Career
Choosing the “right career” is something everyone talks about, and often it is something imposed on us. When I was a child, my mother never really asked me what I wanted to become, but my father wanted me to become the Head of Police because I never liked injustice. I always told the truth and had a furious side that refused to tolerate wrong things. However, my personality kept changing throughout life. Sometimes I was delicate, sometimes furious, and sometimes somewhere in between. Now I realize that it often depended on the state of my mind and mental health. But if I describe my core personality, it is this: I dislike unreasonable boundaries, injustice, and lies. I will always fight against them. At the same time, I have also been vulnerable because of the severe depression I experienced. Somehow I managed to stop the medications, and now I am working on rebuilding myself. Coming back to the point — when I was growing up, there were not many career options people talked about. It was usually teacher, doctor, or engineer. The first career I ever wanted was to become a teacher. When I was around seven, I told a teacher…
Conditional Love
If I have ever loved someone, I have loved them with all my heart — through every high and every low. But I often wonder, did they ever love me the same way? This question has followed me since childhood. Why do we obey or respect people who disrespect us or treat us badly, and still call it love? Ironically, I fell into the same kind of love I used to question — in friendships, relationships, and even in everyday connections. Many of the relationships I had ended up using me in some way. As a child, I used to judge my parents for maintaining relationships with relatives who treated them poorly. But life has its own sense of irony. My first best friend used me — for emotional comfort, for good grades, and for many other things. Over the years, several friends did the same. They asked me to complete their projects, help with assignments, share answers during exams, and absorb their frustrations. Some even demoralized me and spoke harshly to me because they knew I would listen quietly without protesting. Looking back, I realize how naive I was. But have I changed now? Or have I not? That…
Human Evolution
This thought often comes to my mind: why did humans evolve the way they did? By evolution I mean becoming capable of speaking, building cities, doing scientific studies, destroying nature, and then studying how to fix the damage we created. Sometimes the simple thought comes to me that nature might have been perfectly fine if humans had never evolved to this extent. Humans try to cure illnesses and protect animals by creating sanctuaries for them. But did animals ever really need sanctuaries in the first place? Would we even need cures for so many illnesses if we had not disturbed the natural balance of the environment? I often wonder about this. It is not that I am depressed. These thoughts have been with me since childhood. Even when I was young, I never fully understood what we are doing in the world. It often felt like a repetitive cycle: eat, sleep, go to school, come back home, and repeat. I used to ask myself — why? I watched my mother suffer deeply in her relationships. She did not really want to live, but she continued living. I used to wonder why we try so hard to maintain relationships that cause…
Wh🌀 Am I ?
*For Artistic Reference Who am I beyond the label of an artist? I am someone who may appear quiet and distant at first. I have often been told that I am not the easiest person to approach. But those who truly get to know me realize that I am someone who can talk endlessly about ideas, questions, and the strange nature of life. In reality, I am a reserved person. I keep my circle extremely small. I have learned over time to distance myself from people who carry insincerity or perform emotions that are not genuine. The number of people I truly speak with regularly can be counted on one hand. I was not always like this. Life slowly shaped me into this person. Growing up, I witnessed conflict within my family—domestic tensions, manipulation from people around us, and situations that left lasting impressions on how I understand human relationships. These experiences made me introspective. I often find myself questioning things that many people simply accept. Why are we here? Why do we exist in bodies that require constant maintenance—sleeping, eating, resting—just to continue living? Why are we not simply forms of energy? Sometimes I feel that a simpler life…
Open Calls: The New Business Model in the Art World
I entered the professional art world on 8 October 2025. Like many emerging artists, I suddenly saw countless opportunities appearing everywhere. Open calls, competitions, online exhibitions, publications, and digital galleries all promised global exposure. At first, it felt exciting. I thought: the art world has changed—artists can now reach audiences worldwide without relying only on traditional galleries. So I started applying. I submitted to competitions, received honorable mentions and finalist titles, exhibited in several online shows, and even got published. On the surface, it looked like progress. But when I look back now, a different question emerges: At what cost? Over time, I realized that I had spent around $3,000 or more on submission fees, exhibition fees, publication fees, and platform memberships—simply to participate or exist in these spaces. That realization made me pause.How did I end up here? I would say I was desperate, because I was searching for hope, and art gave me that. I wanted to reach collectors, curators, and the wider art world. But now I realize that many of those opportunities did not actually lead me anywhere. In many ways, I feel just as new as I was when I first entered the art world—only…
No More Meds
By “meds,” I mean antidepressants. My immune system has endured enough damage from years of mental health struggles that began in my teenage years. I will still take medication when my body genuinely needs it—for fevers, colds, or pain—but no more antidepressants. And for that, I am deeply grateful. I know that for many people, starting or stopping antidepressants may not feel like a significant milestone. They are normalized, woven into daily life. But for me, they came with severe consequences—persistent stomach pain, headaches, constant discomfort, and a body that felt perpetually under attack. I never wanted to be on medication. I turned to it only when my depression became unbearable—when I truly could not survive without help. I believe I have lived with depression since I was 11 or 12 years old, perhaps even earlier. But 2024 broke me in a way I had never experienced before. It wasn’t multiple thoughts—it was one single thought, looping endlessly. A thought that could stay with me for weeks, even months. It felt like living in hell. No matter how hard I tried to push it away, I couldn’t. The pain was relentless. Even after a year of separation, the eyes of…
Regrets
Regrets? Most of us have them. But do we really need to live inside them? I’ve had more than enough moments that could qualify—situations, choices, places where regret would have been the obvious response. Yet it wouldn’t change anything. That time is gone. What I have is today. “It’s easy for you to say,” you might think.No—it isn’t. I’ve done things. I’ve been in situations. I’ve stood in places where, even if only once, the question why crossed my mind. But it never stayed. It never returned. And today, I want to answer why. I’ve seen people regret their careers, their love lives, the paths they didn’t choose, and everything they don’t have or can’t reach. For me, it began much earlier—when I was eleven. At ten, I was tall. Everyone said I would grow up to 5’8″ or more. Then, slowly, I stopped growing. I went from being the tallest to one of the shortest. It broke something inside me. I felt helpless. I regretted not doing more to prevent it, but I had started menstruating early, and with the hormonal shifts, all physical activity stopped. I remember sitting still, overwhelmed by pain and mood swings, watching others—once shorter…
Vanity Award : Type I
Subject: Artist Selected for Award Dear _____, We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected to receive an award recognizing your artistic merit. The award ceremony will take place on ______ at ______, a prestigious venue. If the artist is unable to attend the ceremony, the prize will be sent to their address. This award is presented in honor of a renowned painter, and the ceremony will be held at a historic venue that has existed for more than 100 years. Recipients will receive: • A handcrafted award• A publication feature• The opportunity to meet collectors and curators• Access to a cocktail reception Participation fee: • A huge amount – Award participation• More than a huge amount – Award participation + digital exhibition + additional promotional material Application deadline: ______ Payment can also be made via PayPal. Sincerely, A Highly Respected Figure in the Art World My Experience Yes, I once received an opportunity to get an award at what seemed to be a very prestigious museum. I was extremely excited—who wouldn’t be? I started telling everyone that I had received an award and how impressive the venue for the ceremony was. But something stopped me from…